3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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