a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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