My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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