i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
