I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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