Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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