then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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