Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
