I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I just sharted jello shots
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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