im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
