Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
