I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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