I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
