U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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