Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
