LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
