So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
