I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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