her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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