I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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