Cold hands, warm shart.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
