I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
