it hurts more in the daytime
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
