you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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