i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
