When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
