dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
