I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
