he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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