I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
