my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
