I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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