Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
