I don't usually arrange sex via text message
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
