remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
