I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
