John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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