I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
