you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
