She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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