The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
