I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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