I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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