all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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