When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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