Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
