just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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