Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
