I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
