Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
